- Movie Rating -

The Loft (2015)

| January 30, 2015 | 0 Comments

I’d rather stab myself with a fork then watch this movie again.

The only thing that I knew about The Loft when I walked in was that it was made four years ago and, for one reason or another, is only now getting a theatrical release. Having seen the godawful movie, I understand why no one would be eager to get it to the public. If it were released in 2011, it would have been forgotten a week after its release. If the studio never released it, they would be doing us a favor. If I never see it again, it’ll be too soon.

The Loft is a wretched piece of garbage, an exercise in misery dealing with five people that you don’t want to spend five minutes with and throwing them around like they’re fallen heroes. They are led by Vincent (Karl Urban), an architect; Luke (Wentworth Miller), who suffers from diabetes and might be in love with Vince; Chris (James Marsden) a psychiatrist; Marty (Eric Stonestreet) an alcoholic horndog; and Phillip (Mattius Schoenaerts), Chris’ half-brother, a foul-tempered bully. Apparently these guys are friends but you wouldn’t know it by the way they connect with one another, which often turns to violence.

What draws them all together is the loft apartment of the title, designed by Vincent, which seems to protrude precariously out of the side of a high-rise as if a slight nudge will knock it into the street. The loft is part of a gentlemen’s agreement; the five guys all have keys and will use the loft exclusively for the purpose of cheating on their wives. You should know that these five people are all terrible human beings. They cavort with other women, they use drugs, they drink heavily and they treat each other like garbage. Their pastime of leering at other women is done, not only in broad daylight but in full view of their wives, making you wonder not only how they remain friends but why their wives haven’t hauled them all into divorce court.

A problem pops up one morning when the guys discover a beautiful blonde handcuffed to the bed in the loft in a pool of her own blood? Whodunit? One of the guys? One of their wives? Are they being set up? The problem is that you really don’t care. The narrative of this movie is so muddy and so confusing that after a while you don’t care what happens to these people. You can’t care about the dead girl and it’s impossible to care about anyone in this movie because they’re such wretched scum. When the movie gets to its third act and starts revealing its hand, it comes at such a bizarre and confusing manner that you find yourself giving up in frustration.

Before going to see this movie, I watched the trailer, which seems to offer a promise of an intriguing mystery and gallons of T&A. The movie has neither of those things. The mystery is pointless, the solution is frustrating, and the movie has less sex then something on basic cable. When the movie was over, I sat back trying to process what I had just seen. I actually began to wonder if I was seeing some rough cut, and wondered if the finished product was still to be released. I’ve never had that experience before. I’ve never had a movie leave me wondering if something was cut out. Rarely do I leave a movie scratching my head, not only over the holes in the plot, but why anyone would bother with this miserable movie in the first place.

About the Author:

Jerry Roberts is a film critic and operator of two websites, Armchair Cinema and Armchair Oscars.
(2015) View IMDB Filed in: Mystery/Suspense