Goin’ Coconuts (1978)

I had no idea until about three hours ago that Donny and Marie Osmond had a feature film.  Having seen it, I can say that I probably could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that.  None-the-less my half-assed internet research tells me that this movie was made at the peak of their popularity – and subsequently released just six months before The ABC Network pulled the plug on their variety show.  It was a critical and commercial failure and, having seen the movie, I can see why.

Goin’ Coconuts was an apparent attempt to try and not only squeeze some more money out of the ridiculous popularity of the Mormon singing siblings, but to package them in a feature film project that hopefully would lead to a series along the lines of Frankie and Annette.

The problem is that this movie more closely resembles the kinds of live action nonsense that Disney was cranking out at the time, and it’s just as brainless.  It follows Donny and Marie to a concert in Hawaii
wherein Marie gets a necklace as a gift from a priest only the priest is really a gangster and several mob goons want it back.  Meanwhile Donny’s eye dance when he meets a beautiful blonde named Tricia who is really after the necklace for herself.

It’s all pretty dopey stuff.  When Donny and Marie aren’t singing, they’re running from bumbling crooks and when they aren’t doing that, they toss cornball jokes at one another.  The sad result is that this isn’t watchable bad, it’s painfully unwatchable.  Even the duo’s cute drink-your-milk smile can’t save this one.