Krull (1983)

Krull is packaged and sold on the presence of the most unlikely weapon since the AT-AT Imperial Walker.  It is called The Glaive, a multi-blade knife which seems to be in the shape of a starfish with scoliosis.  When held aloft it presents five blades from each of its appendages.  The practical use for such a weapon would seem to be bad news for the bearer because you run the risk of having the down blade go through your wrist if held improperly.  The release, I’m guessing, is something akin to a frisbee or a ninja throwing star.  Why you might need five blades I’m not 100% sure.  You’d do just as well with a sword, a lightsaber, or based on the mish-mash of genres present in this movie, a Winchester.

This is one of the most convoluted fantasy mash-ups that I have ever seen.  It seems to be a medieval fantasy with elements borrowed from Star Wars, Clash of the Titans, Dragonslayer, The Lord of the Rings and probably The Muppet Movie is you look hard enough.  I think it wants to be all of these things to attract all audiences but there’s so much genre stuff piled on here that it is actually hard to know whether this movie is coming or going.

I know we’re supposed to be in a fantasy world but it seems to be in a time warp.  The past and the future collide, knights with swords battle robots with laser guns and heroes on horseback outrun villains in spaceships.  Needless to say, it has a lot of expensive special effects (notice I didn’t say good) that whirl around performances so wooden that you could drive nails into them.

The story isn’t much better.  It’s a long, confusing, meandering series of stuff borrowed from other movies.  It opens (naturally) with a Prince and the Princess who are (naturally) about to be married (naturally) according to the ancient prophecy.  Why don’t people in these movies ever get married because they like each other?  Anyway, their ceremony is busted up (naturally) by invaders who crash the wedding and (naturally) kidnap the princess.

The invaders are a real study.  If I got this right, they are materialized from the mind of the evil Krull who lives in a space mountain that moves through space and lands in different locations with rockets.  Given the crummy special effects, the sight of a space mountain landing with retro-rockets is something to see all by itself.  I’m not 100% sure the purpose of the mountain.  Apparently Krull thinks that if it can land in a new territory, it will blend in and never be noticed, but if you’re the inhabitant of a nearby village, wouldn’t you notice a new mountain that popped up overnight?  But THEN you have to question why the mountain even needs rockets when, at other times, it can teleport.

Then the movie’s plot really gets confusing because we are told that the entire story here has been foretold as an ancient prophecy.  So, that logically means that the heroes already know how the story turns out.  So, why the journey.  If you already know the last chapter, just skip to the end so I can’t go home!  Ulk!  I need to go lie down for a while.