Madame Web (2024)

Madame Web takes place in 2003, which is fitting because feels like it was MADE in 2003!  You know, before Disney really started to build the MCU and every superhero movie was trying and, in most cases, failing to be Tim Burton’s Batman?

This movie feels like that on a junior league level.  The palette is dark and broody.  There’s a wealthy villain played by a non-descript actor without much personality.  The hero’s powers come about through an accident.  There are annoying kid sidekicks.  Plus, a lot of needle-drops and product placement.

At first, I dismissed all of this.  I sang into my seat and prepared for the worse.  But then the movie’s nostalgic ineptitude for an era that doesn’t merit one, kind of charmed me.  Well, it charmed me on the level of watching a confused puppy.

Dakota Johnson plays . . . * sigh * Cassandra Webb, a paramedic who gets into an accident and wakes up with the power to see the future.  Most of what she sees are impending disasters perpetrated by a guy in a Spider-Man costume which puts her in the path of three teenage girls with family issues.  Who are they?  Well, I guess we’re supposed to find out in the sequel because this movie is all about getting them together.  I guess there’s more to come.

Turns out that the wealthy villain can see the future too.  His dilemma?  Let me put it this way, remember when Morty got obsessed with the Death Crystals that foretold his future.  It’s kind of like that, only not nearly as interesting.

I don’t know about this movie.  I had a mix of reactions.  I started off bored.  Then got nostalgic for no reason.  Then I was charmed.  And now I’m back to my usual overwhelming state of cynicism.  This is not a hateful movie.  It’s not the Extinction-Level event that the social media community is making it out to be, but it’s still problematic.

The story is stupid.  The performances are perfunctory.  And the dialogue, in moments of heavy drama sounds like a very bad graphic novel.  And in moments of relaxation feels like a very bad beer commercial.  The premise is intriguing but there isn’t enough done with it.  Dakota Johnson has a potentially interesting superpower but the movie doesn’t go all the way with it.  In fact, I’m still not even sure how she got it. 

That’s the kind of plothole that I’m willing to forgive because the movie seems to want to evoke a simpler time before every movie had to be connected by 8 movies and 5 TV shows.  The movie is its own thing.  Not an especially good thing, but it’s own thing.